Monday, October 7, 2013

Life With Cole Lately.

If I had to sum up my life lately, I could do it in one picture:

I am a police wife in every sense of the word.
Except that I worry about him waaaay more than your typical police wife. 
I guess that's something that gets better with time…or probably not. 

Our lives revolve around this new job.
We ride around in a police car.
At least 50% of our conversations are about police stuff. 
We watch Law & Order and Cops.
Every time we see someone we know, guess what they want to talk about?
Nailed it. Police stuff. 
I even drive like a police wife now, like who am I?

And up until last week, I was going to bed all by myself all the time. 
I value my sleep more than your Average Joe.
The days I get to take a nap, I feel like I've just won the lottery…like I'm being rewarded for something.

So it shouldn't bother me that I have to sleep alone sometimes. 
Because I get more sleep, I get all of the covers, I get to spread out on the bed, and fall asleep to whatever show I want to. 

But I hate it. 
What used to be just "sleep", isn't anymore. 
It's one of my favorite parts about marriage. 
It's when we have the best conversations.
It's when we get to finally stop being adults for the day, and be silly.
It's where I get to hold his hand, and squeeze the life out of him, and kiss his face a thousand times. 

It's not a reward without Cole.

I didn't realize how important being able to sleep next to Cole was to me, until he started working graveyard-shifts. 

And now that he's working day-shifts, and is able to come home to me at night, I find myself doing everything I can not to take it for granted. 

Last night he sleep-talked-got-mad-at-me for squeezing the life out of him while he was trying to sleep at like 4:00 in the morning. 
I just randomly get OVERLY grateful that I get to sleep next to such an incredible man. 

I used to be afraid to even dream about love. You know?
I had had such damaging experiences with it, that I knew "love" was just this exhausting thing that the world had set unrealistically high expectations for. 
So before I would go to sleep, I would do everything in my power not to imagine a "wonderful" love.
Because, I promise you, there is no feeling worse in this world than that feeling right after you wake up; The seconds of leaving the life you want, and remembering the life you're actually living.
So I refused to dream about it. 

And then this boy comes along, and shatters expectations my dreams wouldn't even know how to dream about. 
It overwhelmed me. 
I didn't understand how a human being could love me so passionately. You know? With like…every bone under his skin.
I didn't get how someone could know all my flaws, and still continue to treat me in all the best ways.

And I didn't know what to do with all that love!
Hahah someday I'll let him tell you what a spazz I was after I realized I loved the boy.
Pure chaos.

At first, I felt guilty, for some reason. I felt like I had somehow tricked him into loving me.
Because there was no way someone like Cole Peterson could actually love someone like me as much as he did. 
It overwhelmed me.
And now, almost 2 years later, it continues to overwhelm me. 

It overwhelms me with a gratitude that makes me cry my eyes out to God, thanking him over and over again for someone so wonderful. 

It overwhelms me in a way that keeps me awake at night, because if I sleep, I can't squeeze the absolute life out of him. 

He is just overwhelming, and I am so very lucky to be able to sleep next to him at night.
And someday, maybe that will stop shocking me enough that I can finally get a normal amount of that sleep I used to value so much.

I don't know how that rant even got started.
SORRY. I know I'm cheesy and weirdly obsessed with him. 

So I'll stop making you guys puke, and end with the other thing I love so much about him working day-shifts…
DATE NIGHTS! (and horchatas)

No comments:

Post a Comment