Wednesday, September 25, 2013

My Goal Of The Month.

So, last month my goal was this: 
I think it went well.
Better than expected.
If anything, it at least helped me take better advantage of my one-on-one time with Cole.
It helped me turn off the computer, and put away my phone.
I believe we grew closer, as a result of this goal.

This month's goal is this:
I have really bad anxiety.
I tend to end up imagining the worst possible scenario in every situation.

Cole has been working the graveyard shift.
I don't do so well alone, at night.
And last night it was reeeeally windy in Pleasant Grove, 
and I was 100% convinced that someone was trying to break into my house.
I live in Mr. Roger's neighborhood.
I'm a poor, newlywed.
The chances of someone breaking into MY house in MY cute little neighborhood are SERIOUSLY slim.
Cole didn't answer, so I called my dad.
Now, my dad has known me for 21 years.
He understands my hypochondria, my anxiety, and my tendency to blow fears out of proportion.
So his response, as any normal person's response would be, was:
"Sweetheart, you're fine. It's all in your head. You're freaking yourself out."
So, I started to calm down a little.
But then the noises started coming from the OTHER window-well,
which proves someone is definitely trying to break in, right?
[Definitely not right]
But lucky for me, Cole called me right at that exact moment.
I told him what was going on.
My easy-going husband immediately turned into Over-Protective-Officer-Peterson,
and before I knew it, there were cops searching my backyard, looking for the "intruder."
As you can guess, they ended up telling me how it was "probably just the wind."
Most people would have thought that from the beginning,
but this anxiety of mine has a mind of it's own.

When I say I'm a hypochondriac, I'm not exaggerating.
If someone tells me their symptoms, I will immediately begin to feel the same illness.
I've been "positive" I am pregnant every month since I've been married.
The other week, it was late at night.
I couldn't sleep because I was having these shooting pains in my stomach.
I believe now, it was probably just my IUD.
Or maybe I had to poop.
But I decided to go to to figure out what was causing the pain.
Let me just say, I should be BANNED from that website.
All hypochondriacs should be denied access to it every time.
WebMD is a website where you list your symptoms, and they give you a list of things it could possibly be.

So, you know. The first couple results look like this:
-Menstrual Cycle
-Bowel Problems
But then, the last ones look like this:
-Ectopic Pregnancy
-Abdominal Cancer

And me, being the irrational girl I am, decided to research only the last 3.
(Of course)
By the end of my 2-hour research session, I was CONVINCED my Appendix was bursting.
I was convinced I only had 2 hours to get to a hospital before I died.
And this fake/false/unrealistic/made-up anxiety in my head started to rapidly increase.
And I stopped being able to breathe normal.
And the fact that I couldn't breathe, was only adding to my belief that my Appendix was bursting.
Maybe this is what dying felt like.
I could not, for the life of me, inhale air.

For some reason, even though I am way irrational, and let my anxiety take control.
I still refuse to wake Cole up, if I can help it.
I mean, he works the night shift!
He's so tired. He needs his sleep.
Don't ask me why that is the part of my life that remains rational.
I don't even know.

Anyway, because I didn't want to risk waking Cole up, I went into the bathroom.
And I looked in the mirror, trying to will myself to breathe.
I couldn't.
So I got on my knees, and said:
"Heavenly Father. If my Appendix is bursting, I will go to the hospital right now, and I will be very grateful for Your warnings.
But, if this is all in my head. If I am ok; please calm me down and allow me to breathe."

No surprise here, but I started breathing.
And I became so calm, that I had to sit down for a while longer.

I have anxiety.
Sometimes it controls my every emotion, my every decision, my every thought.
And I don't just have anxiety towards myself and my situations.
I have anxiety about people.
Especially the people I care about.

Cole is scheduled to work on Sunday; I am convinced that he's gradually going to get to the point where he doesn't go to church at all. I might as well just remove our records now.
I KNOW. It's ridiculous. And it doesn't make sense. And all signs point to the reality that Cole Peterson loves this Gospel, and maintains an Eternal Perspective on life.

My brother listens to a song that says "hell"; I am convinced that he is obviously hanging out with terrible friends and make terrible decisions.
REALLY, AMANDA? Until last year, I listened to music I would rather crawl in a hole than admit to listening to. My brother is a million times better than I ever was in high school.

My other brother has a couple friends who aren't sure if the church is true; I am convinced that they are anti-mormon, and that their main goals in life are to lead my brother away from the church. They're all going to move to a different state, join a cult, and never talk to their families again.

I have this awful, terrible, ridiculous habit of immediately coming to the worse conclusions about everything - including people.

So my goal this month is to assume the BEST in people.
ESPECIALLY the ones I claim to love.
My plans to follow through with this goal are to:
1. Say something positive about the person out loud, immediately after I start to doubt them.
2. Pray for the people I am having hard-feelings towards.
3. Listen to church songs on the way to work. Now, this one is kind of "out there". But when I sing church songs, it is easier for me to remember the BIG PICTURE. You know? Hymns are all about looking at life with an Eternal Perspective, and I can't imagine anything more helpful in believing in people, than remembering how small this "problem" is in the big scheme of things.
4. Stop being so dang nosy. I am not God. I am not anyone's parent. I have not been blessed with authority or anyone, or revelation on how to raise anybody. I don't know better than them what's best for them. What right do I have to decide whether they're decisions are wrong or right?
5. Never have kids. Hahha. Fine. This one isn't real. But on a real note, I'm terrified.
6. I guess this is more about refraining from judgement - but I have started doing this ridiculous thing every time I start to think badly of someone. I say these words out loud:
"Wellp. I guess her mistakes are just different than mine."

I have a huge testimony in goal-setting.
It has done nothing but benefit my life, and has opened my eyes to things I didn't know I needed to work on.

I'm excited to see what the outcome of this month turns out to be.
People are just trying they're hardest.
I really, really do believe that under all this anxiety.
I just need to remind myself, sometimes!


  1. looks like you already failed on that. why do you constantly degrade people you don't even truly know. just because you THINK you know something about them doesn't mean its true. which most likely its not coming from your sources.

    1. Um. What? I have no idea what you're talking about. Especially because I am literally only around my family and Cole, so I'm not sure how I would degrade anyone. All I can say, is I'm trying my hardest. Just like everyone else. I take my goals really seriously. Try not to "point out" how I "degrade people", while posting an anonymous comment that's sole purpose was to degrade me. Whoever this is, RELAX, because there is a 100% chance that I don't talk about you.

  2. I loved your post Amanda, you're amazing!