Monday, April 29, 2013


I feel like I'm floating. You know? I'm not doing anything that's necessarily "bad," but I'm not trying my hardest to "do good," either. I'm kind of just floating.

Before we were married, we really struggled to stay moral. It was a huge trial for us to stay morally clean, because 7 months is a long time to just kiss, when there is so much love there.
So we gave ourselves a curfew. He would leave my house at 11pm every night.
And we had to be around people at all times. So we were always with my family. My parents were literally our babysitters, and I am so lucky to have parents that were willing to play that role.
We went to every church activity ever, not only to keep the spirit in our lives, but also just to be around people, period.
We went to extreme measures to be close to the spirit, and to be clean and worthy to be married in the temple. And we succeeded.
But then we got married, and this wasn't a trial anymore.

I feel like most of my life, the reason I would get so close to the Savior, and go so out of my way to have the spirit, was to avoid temptation. Whether it was to avoid immorality, or drugs, or alcohol, or whatever the trial, I often found myself leaving friends or boyfriends, and clinging to the church to escape from the temptation. It was like my lifejacket.

But then you grow up. And your trials start to change. You grow out of the "partying" stage, and it no longer becomes a temptation at all.

Or, in our case, you get married and the temptation isn't a temptation anymore, but a beautiful, sacred thing.
And because my whole life I have clung to the church to avoid temptation, I think I've stopped clinging to the church, because I don't really have the temptations I spent my whole life avoiding anymore.

Don't misread my words - I didn't get married and stop attending church and start to doubt my testimony. That's not what I am saying at all. I still have a relationship with God, and I still attend my church meetings, and we still say family prayer at night.
But I feel like I'm not clinging to the Gospel anymore. I am not going out of my way to serve other people. I am not doing extreme things to feel the spirit. I threw myself into the single's ward so much, that it is a huge struggle to get involved in my new ward.

Isn't that pathetic? I am always telling you guys how the single most important thing to save me, was my involvement in my ward. And then I get married, and I stop doing the thing that saved me in the first place. Unbelievable.

I am ranting, and my words aren't in order or making sense like they usually do.
But I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it's hard to transition from clinging to the church with your whole soul so you don't mess up, to clinging to the church simply because you believe in it, and owe it to God. And this is a transformation I'm working on, but is a hard thing for me.

We haven't been to our ward in probably over a month, because of farewells. Don't get me wrong, I think it is vital for a newly called missionary to feel supported and motivated - but this whole going to sacrament meeting, eating food at their house after, and going home thing is kind of interfering with my transformation.

I guess what I have learned this past month, is that it is not enough to just not sin. Avoiding sin is hard and is commendable. But it is not the only thing you have to do to keep the spirit in your life. And I am learning that.

So my goal for this next month is to attend my own ward every week, stay for all the meetings, and see if I can be assigned as a visiting teacher, and maybe even get a calling.

I don't want to get all preachy, and I know there's probably like a total of 5 people who read my blog, but I just wanted everyone to know that I believe there is a God. I believe Jesus Christ suffered and died for me. And because of that knowledge, and that knowledge alone, I am consistently striving to be better and do more. He has saved me so many times, that I need to serve his children in return. It is a need I feel in my bones. I have been given so much. I have such an easy life. And I think I was given this cushy life, to have more time to serve the people I come in contact with, and I am going to try my hardest to step it up.

Thanks for letting me rant. I guess I just needed to put my thoughts down in words.


  1. Okay so I'm probably going to sound creepy. But I read your blog religiously. I always look forward to reading your new stuff! So you mentioned farewells today.. & this is the creepy part. I talked to Spencer before he left(actually the last 3 years) but I don't have a facebook anymore, so I'm like worried I won't know an address or email(preferably) to write him! So if or when you know how to contact him, could you possibly post it? (:

    1. Absolutely!

      His address at the MTC is:
      Elder Spencer Ruhlman Gray
      MTC Mailbox # 67
      MICR-GUA 0508
      2005 N 900 E
      Provo, UT 84604-1793

      And his email address is:

      When he's at the MTC, you can write him a letter at
      And they will print the letter the same day, and give it to him!

      He's a good one to support.
      Good choice!

  2. Replies
    1. Why's that?! (Also, I love your blog. So much.)

    2. Becuase it's so tough, i can relate to it all too much! So knowing it was hard for another couple as well makes me feel so much better! And I adore your blog as well! Thank you so much.. :)

    3. k, i just realized i never responded to this. and this little convo was definitely something i needed to re-read today. THANK YOU for making me feel like i'm not the only faulty human in the world!